Top Five Most Hated TV Commercial Characters
Quick survey: Who needs someone to remind them that they’re flaccid? Unless your ‘member’ is so big it also doubles as Mothra, then it should never really be an issue. What is an issue is when a smug bastard keeps throwing it back in your face. Seriously though, how does Bob always find himself in situations where his penis is the only one that works?
Imagine a scenario where you had to have sex with Betty White in order to save the planet (not too farfetched, right?). Bob would be the only one who could do it. Then you’d be in his debt and he’d shove his Johnson right in your face – not in the gay way though. Okay, maybe that way too. He did save the world after all. The only redeeming quality Bob has is his terrifying visage. No girl wants to bang someone who looks like a Joker victim.
Not to pull a Pat Bateman here, but look at the kempt cuticles, softly polished nails and careful tan ridges. Gasp! It even has a beauty mark… jealousy is a part of this for us. Let’s be honest, those are immaculate hands, but now all those stories of people finding severed hands washed up on the beach or in their 12-piece bucket of KFC make a little more sense.
If hands could talk (and apparently this one can) they would probably say, “HOLY FUCK I DON’T HAVE ANY ORGANS,” but not this one. The iPhone hand would deride you for using your puny mortal hands for sandwich-eating and masturbation. Speaking of which – iPhone Hand, have you met Smilin’ Bob?
We get it. We understand why people get abortions. We’re not saying that the world would be better served if a semi-licensed Mexican doctor had turned this baby into raspberry jam; we are saying that we’re hungry for toast. Wait… that came out wrong… at Gunaxin we don’t like people who are younger and far more successful than us. Richie Rich. Sasquatch Jr. Kid FDR (always riding that tricycle).
However, the E*Trade baby takes the cake in the categories of precociousness and making us look bad. He’s flying off to Vegas, chasing vodka with Benadryl. He’s swapping Chlamydia for diaper rash. And it sounds like he owns a speedboat. You know what we would do for some speedboats? Cut off someone’s hand – that’s what.
In 1923 the founder of Gunaxin tried to get into America via Ellis Island, but there was a gecko in his pocket. Not wanting to risk contamination of freedom-loving, American fauna, the guards at Ellis island turned him away. He ended up jumping off the island and swimming ashore, but the freezing waters of the Hudson killed him before his dreams of reliable tractors and large breasted American women were realized. At the spot where he died in New York, there is now a gay bar for plus-sized men called the “Slippery Hippo.”
As you can see, this one strikes close to home for everyone at Gunaxin. With every condescending syllable uttered by the Geico Gecko, I can almost hear the last words of our founder: “Don’t let them build a gay bar for plus-sized men here.” We bet that the Geico Gecko goes to that very bar just to spite us… and to hit on guys with his adorable accent.
What is it about Flo? Flo, the harpy from the Progressive Insurance commercials, is the ultimate polarizing force. She draws more hate from men than whoever gets to have sex with Christina Hendricks. Flo’s awkward demeanor, eccentric appearance, tempered arrogance, and subtle sexual innuendo all augment each other. She is an amalgamation of everything uncomfortable in this world.
If you could mix nails on a chalkboard with an awkward silence, then you could come close to reaching the cacophonous, rupturing twangs of her voice that slip through her cherry red lips. Her existence probably confirms ancient prophecies of doom – ensuring that she is most likely a succubus, sent to earth to birth the antichrist and sell affordable insurance.