The Oscars In 500 Words

By Scott Tunstall (@scotttunstall) on February 28th, 2011

The 83rd Academy Awards are, as they say in Tinseltown, a wrap. There were no real surprises, which isn’t all that surprising. So, if you happened to be out doing something constructive, like getting drunk at a dive bar or being arrested for soliciting a transvestite prostitute, here’s what you missed. Ladies and gentleman, I give you the Oscars in 500 words. Cue my drum roll, bitch.

The DeLorean from Back to the Future made an appearance in the opening. Not sure why, but it was there.

For the 73rd consecutive year, Gone With the Wind was celebrated. It’s a classic. We get it.

Wally Pfister won Best Cinematography for Inception. Ironically, Pfister is also the name of an actor who starred in the Inception porn parody, Conception.

Kirk Douglas (yes, he’s still alive) did a Vaudeville routine that while amusing, went on way too long. He might be dead soon. Give the old codger a break.

Melissa Leo said a word that begins with F and ends with K and it wasn’t FORK. Of course, it was bleeped by the language police at ABC.

Justin Timberlake bombed horribly with his “I’m Banksy” gag. Isn’t he supposed to be a singer?

Screenwriter David Seidler dropped one of the night’s better lines after winning for Best Original Screenplay: “My father always said I was a late bloomer.” He’s 73. You had to be there.

Oh, the hosts. James Franco looked constipated all night. Anne Hathaway looked very doable. That is all.

Matthew McConaughey presented the award for Best Sound Mixing, which gives me an excuse to share my favorite clip from his stellar career:

They autotuned Harry Potter. More specifically Ron and Hermione. It sounded like everything else that’s been autotuned. Stupid.

Exit Through the Gift Shop didn’t win Best Documentary. They gave it to some flick about the financial collapse. Shocker.

The young dude who won for Best Live Action Short resembled the illegitimate offspring of Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter.

Robert Downey Jr. was witty and charming. Again.

Inception won a bunch of technical trophies. All the guys and dolls went out of their way to thank Christopher Nolan, who wasn’t nominated for Best Director. Hint, hint, Academy.

Gwyneth Paltrow sang a song. Isn’t she supposed to be an actress?

Randy Newman lost his mind for a second. Can hardly blame him. He’s been nominated 20 times and won only twice. He’s still not as wacko as Randy Quaid.

That little girl from The Professional won Best Actress. And she’s about to pop a kid out. Man, I’m gettin’ old.

The montage of Best Picture nominees kicked a fair amount of ass.

Theeeee Kkkkkking’s Sppppppeech won Best Picture. See what I did there?

They bussed in a crapload of kids from Staten Island to sing “Over the Rainbow.” I’m told it was cute and touching. I was busy taking a two-minute beer piss, so I missed it.

And there you have it, folks. The Oscars in 500 words. See y’all next year.