The Least Intimidating Movie Aliens

By Scott Tunstall (@scotttunstall) on April 7th, 2011

You can’t throw a dead Klingon baby these days without hitting an alien flick at the local multiplex. Battle: Los Angeles, Paul and Skyline are three of the most recent offerings, with plenty more to follow in the coming months. Like any big screen creature, some are better than others. In terms of extraterrestrials, classics like Alien/Aliens, Predator and The Thing boast the best of the best. Unfortunately, not all visitors from another planet register very high on the scary meter. Here are ten of the least intimidating movie aliens. (For these purposes, let’s stick to mainstream films.)

Ra – Stargate

Hey, look, it’s the tranny from The Crying Game dressed up as the Egyptian alien God Ra. Sorry, but he/she doesn’t exactly instill a sense of terror. Basically, he/she is nothing more than the CEO of a mining company with fancy duds and a throne room. To sum up: Ra stinks. Nevertheless, Stargate still manages to be a watchable movie.

The Blob (1958)

One can appreciate the damage inflicted by the gelatinous otherworldly ooze, but the sight of the the gooey mess can’t help but illicit laughs. The damn thing looks like a swollen testicle, not an evil Jell-O bent on annihilating the human race. Adding to its less than frightening impression is the fact that all it took to repel its advance was a bag of ice.

The Coneheads

Obviously the Coneheads were meant to be silly rather than imposing. However, any alien life form that resembles a sex toy gains extra points in the ridiculous column. Although, to be fair, family patriarch Beldar did have an edge to him before getting his pointy shark teeth capped.

Starman

A bright blue ball of energy takes the form of a young Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski. Starman is a wicked cool movie, but the titular character is largely a peaceful chap, which is kinda the point. Not all little green men are malicious invaders, U.S. Government. Just don’t piss the Starman off, or he’ll use one of his seven silver spheres to wreak havoc.

The ID4 aliens

Let me get this straight. The badass invaders from Independence Day were so tough Will Smith knocked them out with one punch. They were so intelligent they allowed a 50-year-old attacker ship to enter the mothership unnoticed. And worst of all, these crafty conquerors let a drunk Randy Quaid destroy their main weapon. In a word: lame. In another word: losers.

E.T.

The goofy bastard had a bug-eyed hammerhead stuck on the body of a troll with a magical finger and a insatiable appetite for hard-shelled peanut butter flavored candies. That being said, it’s impossible not to love the little interloper. Despite his amiable demeanor, it seems probable E.T. could’ve utilized some of those powers to kick a little Homo sapien tail if he really wanted to.

Klaatu – The Day the Earth Stood Still

It’s a good thing Klaatu had GORT the robot to do his dirty work because by himself he was nothing more than a well-dressed weirdo. Casting Keanu Reeves in the remake was a gross misstep as well. C’mon, it’s Johnny Utah and Ted “Theodore” Logan for Pete’s sake, which totally trumps Neo. Taking Keanu seriously in anything he does is asking way too much of moviegoers.

Terl – Battlefield Earth

Vinnie Barbarino with dreadlocks and noseplugs equals a comedy of errors. This atrocious abomination based on the writings of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard deserves its own special place in Bad Movie Hell. The Psychlos were supposed to be a brutal race of giant aliens. Travolta’s Terl renders them a race of giant alien retards that deserve to die slow, agonizing deaths.

Ellie’s father – Contact

Contact is a quality flick, but the long-awaited reveal of the alien is a major bummer. In the context of the story, it makes perfect sense for the highly-advanced life to assume the guise of Ellie’s dead daddy. But in terms of movie drama it makes for an anticlimactic WTF moment. It’s sorta like spotting a chick with a smokin’ body only to have her turn around and be butt ugly.

Howard the Duck

A live action film about an alien duck sounds like Syfy Channel programming, not a $36 million studio flop produced by Mr. Star Wars himself, George Lucas. Howie, like the Coneheads, is meant to be a punchline. Sadly, the laughs are lost among a bevy of ill-conceived gags and piss-poor special effects. No amount of “Quack Fu” can make a poorly constructed duck puppet tough or otherwise interesting.