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The 2013 Golden Globes in 500 Words

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globes header 560x316I spent most of Sunday afternoon at a bar watching the NFL Divisional Playoffs. After hours of marveling Russell Wilson in a losing effort and cursing Tom Brady in a winning one, there’s no better way to sober up than taking in 180 minutes of the Golden Globes. No, really. In case you missed the show (for shame), here’s a tidy wrap-up in 500 words.

  • Hosts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler deliver a solid monologue. Highlight: torture is being married to James Cameron. Burn.
  • Maggie Smith wins for her role in Downton Abbey and does everyone watching a huge favor by being absent. One less speech is always welcome.
  • Homeland hits the trifecta: Best Dramatic Series, Best Actor Damian Lewis, Best Actress Claire Danes. Screw you, terrorists.
  • Adele wins for theme to Skyfall and seems genuinely drunk.
  • Commercial break. I flip over to Devil’s Pond starring Tara Reid on LMN. She’s rowing a boat in an attempt to escape her abusive husband.
  • Kevin Costner unfurls a career eulogy after winning for The Hatfields and McCoys, but refuses to apologize for The Postman.

I’m so gonna bang Lena Dunham tonight.

  • Jodie Foster gives a rousing speech about privacy and being a strong female in Hollywood that causes many of the women in attendance to shed a tear. All the while, I keep waiting for Mel Gibson to unleash a barrage of anti-semitic epithets. Sadly, he doesn’t.
  • Jennifer Lawrence jokes about Harvey Weinstein committing murder to get her up there. It’s funny because it’s probably true.
  • Devil’s Pond update: Tara is swimming at night with aid from a flotation device. She appears upset.
  • Anne Hathaway’s husband Adam Shulman looks like an effeminate version of Ryan Gosling.

Nice try, Shulman.

  • Quentin Tarantino gives a rambling speech about himself. Again.
  • Aziz Ansari confirms what we all suspected: the Downton Abbey cast consists of nothing but potheads.
  • Lena Dunham wins Best Actress and Best Comedy on the same night Season 2 of Girls premieres. That’s kismet.
  • Devil’s Pond update: Tara is now floating on an air mattress. I’m guessing she can’t swim.
  • Louis C.K. doesn’t win Best Actor for Louie. He acted beside a bathtub full of sh*t and watched Parker Posey die. What else does the guy have to do?
  • Daniel Day-Lewis is gracious and humble and articulate during his Best Actor acceptance speech. I bet he secretly loves interracial midget porn.
  • Ben Affleck wins Best Director for Argo. That’s right, O’Bannion from Dazed and Confused just beat out Spielberg and Tarantino.
ben affleck

You’re fahqing dead!

  • Devil’s Pond update: Tara is pointing a shotgun at her abusive husband. Oh LMN, you complete me.
  • Les Miserables takes Best Comedy/Musical and that other movie about a CIA mission, Argo, seizes Best Drama.

That’s all, folks. The 70th Annual Golden Globes are over. Time to start drinking again.

Scott Tunstall

Scott is the former Associate Editor of Gunaxin.

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