I can’t say I actually watch many movies on television. Not because I don’t enjoy films, because I do. But you often get a bastardized version of the film on broadcast television filled with commercials and edited content, both in sight and sound. Sometimes it makes you wonder if its even the same film. I don’t consider myself a movie snob, but I’d rather just have the real thing. Though there’s a strange hypocrisy when networks keep in all the violence, but deem it necessary to edit out even the mildest curses.

Still, occasionally you come across some re-dubbing of a profane line or lines that leads to unintentional hilarity. And those moments stick with you. The Powers that Be were not content to substitute freak for every f-bomb, they instead went above and beyond in a whole different direction. Wouldn’t you want to be that guy who comes up with the most absolutely idiotic re-dubbing for inappropriate movie language? Here are eleven (sue me, I couldn’t decide which one to cut) classic examples with a few goodies at the end:

Original Line: “Do you slip her the hot beef injection?”
Edited Line: “Did you slip her the hot wild affection?”

Really, take your pick on this one. Like Judd Nelson’s extended “Flip me? No, dad, flip you!” speech. Or the “Dim you! Dim you!” edit.

Original Line: “Fuck yo mama!”
Edited Line: “Man, who do I look like, Christopher Columbo?”

Different, but maybe not that out of left field.

Original Line: “Hand me the keys, you fucking cocksucker!”
Edited Line: “Hand me the keys, you fairy godmother!”

Yes, this really happened. And for all five suspects:

Original Line: “Motherfucker”
Edited Line: “Mickey Fickey”

Pretty much throughout the movie. Not overly original, but a true classic

Original Line: “This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!” and “Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?”
Edited Line: “This is what happens when you fight (or find) a stranger in the Alps” and “Do you see what happens when you fix a stranger scrambled eggs”.

You might also see: “This is what happens when you pump a stranger’s gas” substituted in there. Really great stuff. Talk about a non sequitur in an otherwise finely strange film. YouTube won’t let you embed this one, but it’s still online.

Original Line:“Jesus, how much did you smoke? All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.”
Edited Line: “Jesus, how much did you smoke? All it took was a phat, karate punch. These guys were lightweights.”

Sounds much like a nice Hawaiian Punch. That might also lead to two guys unconscious on the floor.

Original Line: “Fuck me? Fuck me? You motherfucker!”
Edited Line:“Forget me? Forget you, you mother forgetter!”

This Martin Scorsese film uses the word “fuck” 398 times. That’s $106,629 per fuck! Or something like that, I wouldn’t check my math. But you can imagine a number of bizarre edits, particularly when Pesci goes off on one of his tirades. Here’s the edited desert scene just for your enjoyment:

Original Line:“Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, Karras, you faithless slime.”
Edited Line: “Your mother sews socks that smell, you faithless slime.”

Almost good enough to be on Wilmer Valderrama’s Yo Mamma. Actually, it probably was good enough. Still, it’s utterly preposterous.

Original Line:“Where’d you get the beauty scar, tough guy? Eatin’ pussy?” and “This town like a great big pussy just waiting to get fucked”
Edited Line:“Where’d you get the beauty scar, tough guy? Eatin’ pineapple?” and “This town like a great big chicken just waiting to get plucked.”

Who knew of the dangers of eating pineapple? True, these are two separate distinct lines. But converting the ultraviolent, profane Scarface into a network-friendly film is sure to uncover a few gems. So we couldn’t leave either out.

Original Line: “Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”
Edited Line: “Enough is enough! I have had it with these monkey fighting snakes, on this Monday to Friday Plane!”

The genius of replacing motherfucking with two different phrases in one line. Just in case you wanted some audio-visual proof:

Original Line:“Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!!!”
Edited Line:“Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Falcon!!!”

The edited version has gone through a few variations, ranging “melon farmer” to “my friend”, but Mr. Falcon takes the cake and is a true classic dub-over. Can it ever be topped?

No movie clip, but this will work:

and second, Mad TV presenting edited Sopranos:

and finally, how about a British take on things:

Maybe we need a Roman Moronie speech?

And just for fun, see if you can come up with a TV edit for this classic McNulty and Bunk investigation scene from The Wire: