The Biggest Celebrity Turkeys of 2011

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I’m not sure why the word “turkey” is often used as slang for losers, idiots and clowns, but it is, and since it’s Thanksgiving it seems only logical to point and laugh at some of 2011’s biggest celebrity turkeys. The following ladies and gents made headlines for all the wrong reasons this year and are worthy of our scorn and/or ridicule.

Anthony Weiner

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From rising (get it?) U.S. Representative to laughing-stock of the Democratic party. Being enamored with one’s own penis is fine, but sexting the erect member to multiple young women via Twitter is really frowned upon, especially if you’reĀ  married and an elected figure. Oops. A congressman named Weiner forced to resign in disgrace for photographing his junk is as American as apple pie. Bravo, Anthony.

Christina Aguilera

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What the hell happened to her? The slender songstress with a massive rack has suddenly morphed into a thunder-thighed has-been with a fat gut. She looks like a cross between Dee Snider and Mariah Carey. Her tubby tummy has expanded to such a degree even Kelly Osbourne has attacked her. Maybe she’s pregnant. Or maybe she loves stuffing her gullet with cake and donuts.

Kris Humphries

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The journeyman NBA baller puts the “galoot” in big galoot. Unless he’s secretly an award-winning actor, it seems this tall drink of stupid believed his marriage to professional fame whore Kim Kardashian was legit. I hope at the very least he was handsomely compensated for being duped, but knowing this dullard he probably walked away with a case of Gatorade G and a $50 gift card to Toys “R” Us.

Donald Trump

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Trump’s overzealous assault on Barack Obama’s place of birth fell limp when the White House released the birth certificate in April. The revelation derailed Trump’s haphazard presidential train before it left the station. Then he was caught eating pizza with a fork! Real New Yorkers eat pizza with their hands. Dandies with way too much money eat it with a fork. The Donald should stick to hosting unwatchable reality series. The last thing politics needs is another corrupt blowhard.

Amy Winehouse

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Amy makes the list for doing what everyone predicted she would do since she burst onto the music scene: die young. I mean, she could’ve waited until 28 or 30. Instead, she picked her 27th year to overdose on booze, which spawned countless “27 Club” articles to be penned within days of her demise. The troubled pop star with drug and family problems is hackneyed at this point. Amy would’ve been better served flipping the script and living a long life.

George Lucas

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It’s bad enough this bearded billionaire rolled out yet another “complete saga” boxed set to bilk more cash from his blindly loyal fanbase. He had the gall to once again tinker with the original trilogy by adding ridiculous audio cues to a pair of classic scenes. I can’t comprehend why he feels compelled to keep fiddling with these movies and thereby further alienating legions of geeks, but if anyone deserves to have his head shoved up a 30-pound turkey’s rectum, it’s Georgie boy.

Joe Paterno

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Speaking of penetrated rectums, Paterno’s decision to cover up former assistant Jerry Sandusky’s blatant sexual abuse of children on the Penn State campus brings new meaning to the term “dumber than a bag of hammers.” This doddering old fool not only allowed for a sexual predator to use his locker room as a sex den, but he also helped sully the reputation of a once proud institution of higher learning. Well done, Joe Pa.

Lindsay Lohan

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Thanks to the retarded judges in Hollywood, Lohan is permitted to repeatedly thumb her nose and collagen-filled lips at the American justice system whenever she gets an itch. Violating probation, ignoring conditions of a parole agreement and blowing off community service would land a normal person behind bars for months. Not Li-Lo. This daffy bitch could drown a newborn baby at the annual Policeman’s Ball and get a job working at a daycare two days later.

Ashton Kutcher

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I could give a crap that APlusK cheated on Demi with a bevy of bouncing beauties. That’s just a guy being a guy. What makes me want to throw him on a pile of burning tires is No Strings Attached, New Year’s Eve and Two and a Half Men. How the f*ck does this no talent asshat keep landing gigs? It’s not as if Tinseltown is lacking in thirtysomething douchebags who are so painfully oblivious to current events they think the firing of Joe Paterno was in “poor taste.”

Charlie Sheen

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Fell off the wagon. Made derogatory remarks about his boss. Was banned from the Warner Bros. lot. Demanded a raise. Got fired. Unleashed a series of insane public tirades. Became an internet meme. Drank tiger blood (allegedly). Went on a barnstorming “comedy” tour. Faded into obscurity. Was roasted on Comedy Central. Sold a new series to FX. I’ll say one thing about Chuck, the dude is a maestro when it comes to orchestrating a category 5 meltdown.

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