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2013 Oscar Nominations are Here

oscar nominationsI thought they did these on a Tuesday? Oh well. The 2013 Oscar nominations are out and boy are they not full of surprises. Here’s a list of the categories people give a sh*t about (sorry, Costume Design).

Best Picture

  • Amour – The proverbial French entry about love and death.
  • Argo – Like all of Ben Affleck’s directing efforts, just shy of awesome.
  • Beasts of the Southern Wild – Poor people are really rich. I hated this movie.
  • Django Unchained – Tarantino’s best film since Pulp Fiction.
  • Les Miserables – A musical? No thanks.
  • Life of Pi – The heartwarming story of baked goods.
  • Lincoln – Steven Spielberg blah blah blah… Daniel Day-Lewis blah blah blah… It will win, unfortunately.
  • Silver Linings Playbook – Haven’t seen it yet, but it’s about Philadelphia Eagles fans, so it must end tragically.
  • Zero Dark Thirty – Bin Laden gets got and it’s glorious.

Best Actor

  • Daniel Day-Lewis (Lincoln) – Best actor on the planet.
  • Denzel Washington (Flight) – C’mon Academy!
  • Hugh Jackman (Les Miserables) – He sings and broods and kills bad guys with razor sharp hand blades.
  • Bradley Cooper (Silver Linings Playbook) – The guy from The Hangover?
  • Joaquin Phoenix (The Master) – He whispers and mumbles a lot.

Best Actress

  • Naomi Watts (The Impossible) – Won’t win, but she’s super terrific.
  • Jessica Chastain (Zero Dark Thirty) – Should win, but probably won’t.
  • Jennifer Lawrence (Silver Linings Playbook) – She looks really good in spandex.
  • Emmanuelle Riva (Amour) – Oscar loves dying.
  • Quvenzhané Wallis (Beasts of the Southern Wild) – Cute kid.

Best Supporting Actor

  • Christoph Waltz (Django Unchained) – Not as amazing as Inglourious Basterds, but highly entertaining.
  • Philip Seymour Hoffman (The Master) – Is great in everything he does,
  • Robert De Niro (Silver Linings Playbook) – No Meryl Streep in 2012, so there’s this.
  • Alan Arkin (Argo) – My favorite of the bunch.
  • Tommy Lee Jones (Lincoln) – He sleeps with his black housekeeper.

Best Supporting Actress

  • Sally Field (Lincoln) – She had like two scenes.
  • Anne Hathaway (Les Miserables) – Sexy in leather. Wait, that was another movie.
  • Jacki Weaver (Silver Linings Playbook) – Second nom after the fantastic Animal Kingdom.
  • Helen Hunt (The Sessions) – Gets naked and looks great at 49.
  • Amy Adams (The Master) – She can do wrong in my book.

Best Director

  • David O. Russell (Silver Linings Playbook) – Once made a movie about masturbation and incest.
  • Ang Lee (Life of Pi) – No gay cowboys, so he won’t win.
  • Steven Spielberg (Lincoln) – Lock.
  • Michael Haneke (Amour) – Watch the original Funny Games. It will leave you speechless.
  • Benh Zeitlin (Beasts of the Southern Wild) – Knows where to place a camera, I’ll give him that.
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